Of course you want your investments to perform as well as possible. No matter how much time you spend researching your options, though, you cannot control how share values behave. Sometimes, you just need to learn to let go and enjoy the ride. If that sounds impossible, lift your spirits with the best stock market jokes.
With the right delivery and more than a little luck, your jokes will have eyeballs rolling in the same direction as your stocks (up). Did that joke land? Look, there’s a reason we usually write about investments instead of comedy. Anyway, here are the 26 best stock market jokes other people have told!
1. This is why Wall Street has a strict dress code!
Why are nudists bad for the stock market?
They are associated with bare markets.
2. Yikes! Maybe it’s better to except people as they are!
The other day at work I ran into Tom. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me. “Rodney,” he said, “Becky and I are going to get a divorce.”
I was stunned. “Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together.”
“Well,” he said, “ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more.
She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.”
“Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you.” I probed.
“Nah, I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”
3. Does your personality type determine how you invest? Hmm…
My friend is an honorable, courteous, and chivalrous guy.
But he hates the stock market.
When I asked him why, he said, “Gentlemen prefer bonds.”
4. If this is true, maybe we should all invest in paper to reduce risk in our portfolios.
Two day traders are looking at the commodity stocks for office supplies on their computer.
“What’s the movement on desks and chairs?” asks the first stockbroker.
“Um, that’s moving up,” says the second. “We should get into it.”
“Okay, what about stocks for desktop computers? Are they moving?” asks the first.
“Yep, they’re dropping,” says the second. “We’ve got to sell that off.”
“Okay, what about paper? Is that moving?” asks the first stockbroker.
“Paper? No,” says the second. “Paper is stationery.”
5. And in today’s stock news…
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.
6. Some of the best stock market jokes are also the absolute worst.
Two brokers are discussing their luck lately with the stock market.
One moans to another, ‘With how bad my portfolio’s been performing lately, I’d have better luck investing in my own failure!’ His companion looks to him and says ‘Don’t think like that. Failure is not an option.’
7. Wall Stress stress has made this whole place soupy!
I just started buying stock from the market
I have beef, chicken, and vegetable.
One day I hope to be bouillonaire.
8. If you want to make a lot of money, just convert everything into pennies.
I recently started investing heavily in penny stocks.
It just seemed to make a lot of cents.
9. This actually seems like it could happen…
Do you know why the European stock markets are sliding down? Greece.
10. Some investments make it easier to sit back, chill out, and let the market do its job.
How is marijuana stock sold on the stock market? Buy high sell higher.
11. Waaaay too much truth in this one!
An economist, an accountant and a lawyer decided to gamble…. And that’s how stock markets came into existence!
12. Shooting for the moon can put you at the bottom of the ocean.
I figured out how to make a million dollars on the stock market. Invest two million.
13. When the Farmer’s Almanac says ducks, you invest in ducks.
Two farmers are watching the sunset on their tractor and having a chat.
The first says, “I keep hearing on the radio, TV, read in the papers about the stock market but I still have no idea it is. Do you know?”
The second farmer replies, “How should I explain this to you… Let’s say you buy some eggs for your farm. These eggs hatch and now you have chicks. These chicks grow up to be hens that lay more eggs, out of which you get more chicks that grow up to be hens and so on and so forth. Eventually, your farm is full of them.
Then, one day a big flood ravages your land and takes all of them downstream. Then you sit and think to yourself: ducks… I should have gotten ducks. That’s what the stock market is like.”
14. There are an awful lot of jokes comparing company stocks to soup stocks!
I bumped into an old school friend the other day.
He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.
I asked him how he had been doing and he said, “Great, I’ve got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.”
I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied, “I’ve been using animal carcasses and boiling them down to a concentrate and selling that for a profit. I’ve made a killing on the stock market.”
15. You can make a lot of money investing in stocks, but this joke still has a kernel of truth in it.
What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?
Start off with a big one.
16. You kind of need to be a Game of Thrones fan to get this one.
What did they name Game of Thrones’ first stock exchange?
Investeros.
17. We all know that the stock market has cycles, but this is getting ridiculous!
We have Electro Swing, another pandemic, and a crashing stock market! Looks like the Twenties are back again!
18. At least he didn’t put all of his money into the Ford Volt.
Why was the stock trader electrocuted?
He shorted Tesla.
19. Probably not how it works, but it’s still funny to think about.
St. Peter is checking IDs at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. “Tell me, what have you done in life?” says St. Peter. The Texan says, “Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn’t sit on my laurels – I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations.”
St. Peter says, “That’s quite something. Come on in. Next!”
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, “I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn’t selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children.”
“Wonderful!” says Saint Peter. “Come in. Who’s next?”
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, “Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime.”
“Heavens!” says St. Peter. “What instrument did you play?”
20. Either way, the government takes a big slice of your earnings!
What is the difference between a casino and the stock market ? The casino comps you after taking all your money
21. A little English humor for the international crowd.
The stock market has been looking thinner lately. It’s lost several Pounds.
22. I don’t think that word means what you think it means lol!
Starting next Monday, you can trade mushrooms on the stock markets The SEC has determined that mushrooms are fungible.
23. Some investments are extremely predictable.
I’ve put all my money in see-saw stocks.
To be honest, they’ve had their ups and downs.
24. No one tell this guy that extension ladders eventually retract!
Everyone is panicking about the stock markets….
But the 31-foot Mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.
25. A slightly different take on the 20s.
The stock market crashed and the bars are closed.
Sure feels like the 20s.
26. The Naked Truth From the Oracle of Omaha
Only when the tide goes out do you discover who has been swimming naked.
27. It never hurts to end on a “yo mama” joke!
The stock market is down 30%.
Yo mama must have skipped a meal.
Do You Have More Stock Market Jokes?
Are these the best stock market jokes, or have you heard better ones? Regardless, try to remember that the current state of your investment will not last forever. Investing isn’t the same as gambling, but there is risk involved. Keeping a sense of humor about you should make it easier for you to weather the downs while you wait for upswings.
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